Well, not today, but I quit yesterday. I know you are thinking that quitting sounds like a negative thing, but for me, it is truly joyous.
I quit radiation.
My schedule consists of 30 sessions of radiation – 25 regular sessions, 5 days a week, and then 5 “bolus” sessions. I made it through 10 sessions before my skin started to react and by 17 my skin was on fire. Rash, red, angry itchy skin. We held radiation for a few days, tried new creams plus prednisone, and nothing worked.
A few days ago I was running the boys to soccer and friends and realized that my skin hurt. A lot.
I started talking to myself in my head as the boys were singing in the background in the car.
I literally asked myself why I was doing this. My skin HURT and I didn’t like it. I wondered what would happen if I decided to stop. To be done. Right now.
The bliss that came to my heart when I had this thought was palpable. I could be done. No one was making me do this.
I could quit.
So I did. I walked in and told my nurse and doctor that I was done.
It was an amazing, freeing feeling.
I am happy to say that I am no longer facing weeks of more treatment. I am done. My body can spend the next few weeks healing. My heart and soul are calm and at peace with this decision.
I believe in medicine and the community of medical practice. I trust my doctors and their recommendation.
But I also trust that I know my body and I know what is best.
So I am done. I am heading in a different direction with the focus on rest, nutrition and healing. I still have two surgeries to go, but I will face them feeling confident with my health.
Cancer can just go away. There is no room for you here.