I Quit

I quit.

Well, not today, but I quit yesterday. I know you are thinking that quitting sounds like a negative thing, but for me, it is truly joyous.

I quit radiation.

My schedule consists of 30 sessions of radiation – 25 regular sessions, 5 days a week, and then 5 “bolus” sessions. I made it through 10 sessions before my skin started to react and by 17 my skin was on fire. Rash, red, angry itchy skin. We held radiation for a few days, tried new creams plus prednisone, and nothing worked.

A few days ago I was running the boys to soccer and friends and realized that my skin hurt. A lot.

I started talking to myself in my head as the boys were singing in the background in the car.

I literally asked myself why I was doing this. My skin HURT and I didn’t like it. I wondered what would happen if I decided to stop. To be done. Right now.

The bliss that came to my heart when I had this thought was palpable. I could be done. No one was making me do this.

I could quit.

So I did. I walked in and told my nurse and doctor that I was done.

It was an amazing, freeing feeling.

I am happy to say that I am no longer facing weeks of more treatment. I am done. My body can spend the next few weeks healing. My heart and soul are calm and at peace with this decision.

I believe in medicine and the community of medical practice. I trust my doctors and their recommendation.

But I also trust that I know my body and I know what is best.

So I am done. I am heading in a different direction with the focus on rest, nutrition and healing. I still have two surgeries to go, but I will face them feeling confident with my health.

Cancer can just go away. There is no room for you here.