Today I carried wood.
So what, right? Big deal Lisa, you carried some wood.
Well, it is a big deal. For months, I have been “resting.” Healing from so many surgeries, chemicals, medications and insults to my body. With rest also comes the reality of muscle wasting, and by now, my muscles have really deteriorated – muscles in places I bet you don’t even think of, like your fingers.
Yep, even my fingers hurt these days.
Every day I try to do a little bit more of real life – laundry, driving, making food, picking up and taking care of myself. Each day I wake up sore and hurting, knowing my muscles are working hard to build back up, even while my body heals.
It has been discouraging at times to see how truly weak I have become, like when I tried to put a 6 pack of pop back on the shelf, and I had to use two hands.
It feels pathetic.
I know, I am grateful to be alive, feeling better, and able to reclaim a little bit more of real life every day. Today, for the first time in 3 months, I was able to shower without plastic wrap taped to my body somewhere (I know, TMI, but for me, it was wonderful). No more fighting against the giant wound, PIC line or stitches – now the thing I fight against is this crazy curly hair.
I was lucky enough to get to spend the weekend with my parents up north, sitting by the fire, doing a little baking, and sitting by the fire. It was relaxing and quiet and peaceful. The large fireplace is blissfully warm and wonderful to sit near. But, having a fire all the time require wood. And wood doesn’t walk inside by itself.
Normally there are kids around to move wood, but this time it is just me.
So if you want a fire, you get to move the wood.
I brought the carrier outside and loaded it with half the wood that I would normally load. I carried it into the house and piece by piece, moved it into the wood bin.Then I had to sit down. Already tired but determined, I had to get enough wood for an afternoon of fire.
Each day I brought in a little bit more – and each night my muscles reminded me that it had been a while since I had asked them to perform.
For me, moving wood felt like a triumph – a return to real life.
Add in a discharge from the wound nurse team, discharge from home care, and a return to work this week, and life looks pretty good.
Now to just make it through the upcoming five and a half weeks of radiation, and hopefully, eventually, get back to full-time work, and it will be great.
For now I will settle with part-time work, fewer doctor appointments, and continuing to get better.
Only looking forward now.
Looking back doesn’t do anyone any good.