It’s true, in my own way, I am free.Free of tubes, drains, PIC lines, wound vacs.Free of something attached to me that was meant to keep me alive, help me get well, to make me heal.Finally, I am free of monitoring something constantly to ensure it works correctly, flows, isn’t clogged or doesn’t leak.
With the relief comes the reality of what I have lived through in the last 10 weeks, and how much my body has had to endure. I am not sure, when thinking back to this most recent ICU experience, how I did it. I know for sure that I did not do it alone.I know you are out there, thinking of me, praying for me, ensuring that my family was taken care of – I know and my heart is full of your joy.I read my last post just today – not realizing that I had posted anything while I was in the hospital. Apparently, that is how sick I was.
Funny thing, I also ordered a lot of things from Amazon during that time, and spent the week before Christmas working on opening boxes of things that I had no memory of ordering.
There are other things that happened during the hospital stay that I cannot remember – the pain of multiple IV attempts, CT scan contrast, entering the surgery suite once again, for the fourth time in 3 months.But what I do remember is the heart of my doctors and nurses, the aides that cared for me, the family and friends that visited, and the staff that stole a moment to say hello and check in on me.
I remember feeling terrible, maybe the worst in my life, and people constantly checking on me to ensure that I was doing as well as I could be doing.I have now been home for a week and a half, and my body certainly lets me know what it has been through.
Endurance is not a word in my current vocabulary, and hearing doctors use words like “labs off the charts” and “septic shock, yeah you look pretty good right now” brings reality home. But like all things, time will continue on, and with each day, I expect things to get better. Truth be told, not every day is better, but I can always find something that is better about each day. Whether it is driving myself to an appointment, or braving completing two loads of laundry in one day, it is better.
Today, with no tubes attached, I did my first day of yoga in 6 months. It is an app online that allows you to tailor the program to your skill level, and I started at the absolute lowest level. It was hard and exhausting. And felt like an incredibly long 10 minutes.Most of the time it was deep breathing, with a little trunk rotation and happy baby thrown in, and it was incredible how resistant my body was to the movements.It is going to take time, along with really incredible nutrition, to bring things back to my normal.
And by nutrition I mean lots of protein, fruits, vegetables, and combinations like liver and Vitamin C.
My body needs all the help that it can get right now to continue to heal. I still have a large abdominal wound to heal, and appointments to attend – so many appointments.But I am visualizing health and healing, taken on the new super hero nomenclature UNIBOOB, and vow to not be back as an inpatient at my hospital until I have a scheduled admission to deal with some of my future surgeries, and not one day sooner.
It is going to take time, lots of time, to heal.
I understand that – I am not patient, but I will do my part to make it happen, as I recognize so many of you have done so much to support me and my family. I look forward as always to updating you on my recovery path, and to support those of you also fighting cancer at this time. We have crossed paths for a reason, and I pray your journey is easier than mine. Know I am with you, walking and praying for your health and healing as well.