This day is just hard – there is no way around it. You wait 13 months to get to a certain point, and when it is here, and over – now you have to wait a few weeks for results, and it just plain sucks.
Frank and I spent some time “debriefing” the test, trying to pick it apart. I am so nosy, just wishing I could have been there as an observer so I could have at least some idea of how things went today, and what issues may come up so we can prep for them. But no, I had to go to work, and Frank had to go to the test alone.
I am grateful for the many texts and emails that we got today. It is such a blessing to know that so many people are praying for Frank, and for us. Each ring of my phone gave me a bit of peace when I started to fret again, for the 100th time today, and I was able to get home to my family for the night. I should add here that not ALL of us are relaxing at home. Apparently with the stress of the day, someone needed to go to the gym and run on the treadmill for a while (3 guesses, and it is not me, my butt is here on the computer eating ice cream. Jill would be so proud!)
I know that this day is out of my control – I know that everything is truly out of my control. But there are parts of me that feel like we have tread through these waters together for so long – with a focused goal and massive amounts of ambition – and now we are at bridge that I cannot see to the other side. I remember when Frank first got hurt, and I couldn’t see past 5 minutes into the future, and how scary that was, and I am reliving some of that today. That lack of “knowing” or feeling secure in the choices we are making is unsettling. I think it is made even harder because I have trusted for so long in this path, that to feel it wavering a bit is scary to me.
I worry that maybe the book is not the right thing to do, that public speaking is not where I should be, that it is time to return to the old life, of not speaking out, writing or living so heavily in law enforcement. I am wavering. I am uncertain. I am worried.
And I know it is allowed – we are all allowed to have moments to lose sight, lose faith, lose focus.
I just don’t like it, I have never liked it. It is the lack of control thing, or what I perceive as control. I am aware that is part of the problem; that I am still trying to control my life path, instead of believing the life path. I think that I have focused so tightly on the doing, that I have lost sight of the living again. I like the doing, and I am passionate about the things I am doing.
I just don’t know if it is right. And since it is not often that you get a message in your inbox stating “you are doing it just right” I am probably out of luck.
Time to pray, and trust that what is supposed to happen will happen. And that I am where I am supposed to be. And that I will be guided in the right direction to do the right things with my life, and for my family.