Remember when your "year" worked a bit different than the adult year? For most of us, the year started in September and ended at the end of August when we had to return to school. For me, that year calendar existed until I graduated from Grad school and had to enter the real world and get a job. That first year realizing that summer no longer consisted of lying on the beach, and that you had to pay taxes in the Spring was a bit of a wake up call. But most of us go through that some time in our lives - the change into adulthood where we recognize December 31st as the start of something new, a new year with possibilities and change, where we can figuratively clean the slate, and move on.
I am not sure that I felt that way last night - knowing that December 31st here in our house held many different emotions and feelings, it didn't quite seem like a cleaning, it felt more like a deep breath that was let out in a huge sigh. A breath that I didn't even know that I was holding until I let it out.
Today, of course, is a new day. It is January 1st, 2015, and it is a dear friends birthday. For me, it is also the day before the three year anniversary of the crash that changed so many lives. For me, this has been my "new year" the last three years. This is the date that holds me captive and transitions me to my new year. It is January 2nd that holds that place for me.
The question of the day is can I take that day and give it the clean slate feeling of the regular New Year? Can I turn it over to the world and say "now we can get this party started?"
I don't know. I don't know if I have it in me to push myself forward while holding so many others up. Thoughts today are a bit gray, but the mushroom and cheese omelet and raspberry scone are certainly making it brighter. The sunshine, the lightly falling snow - all the little things around me can bring pieces of joy that layer themselves one by one to bring me up. But it isn't just me in the universe, there are so many others; so many individuals that struggle with the new year, and with hope that it can be better than last year.
To them I say - yes it can. We each hold the power to make it better by looking forward, while still remembering what is behind us. We learn the lessons in the past, we build our lives in the future.
We as a family will be moving forward one day at a time, or one hour at time - whatever makes it possible to continuing to move forward. It has many possibilities, and many new doors.
We just need to find the keys.