When life took a dramatic turn in January, what I knew and what I believed all unraveled. I had to look at each minute and try to live through it. Each moment was just lived through, breathed through, just to get to the next minute. I vowed to myself that when I could breath again, even a little bit, that I would try to live each day, instead of racing through each day.
I took the advice of great people, and stopped at moments throughout the day, and tried to listen to the world around me. In the summer that meant standing in the sunshine, closing my eyes, and listening to the wind, the birds, the trees rustling in the breezes. It meant smelling the grass, the flowers, and hearing the insects. As fall rolled in, I listened to the leaves crunching, smelled the fall fires, and relished in the changing season.
I felt great joy when I knew for certain that my life path was on track. I knew that when I woke up each day that I was doing what I was meant to do, what I was created to do, and I felt completely at peace, even as life was scary and uncertain. Not many people, as I am now told, live through the level of trauma that we have experienced this year and feel that level of calm and control. I enjoyed it.
I was worried that when I started my new job that I would lose some of that focus, some of that peace.
I was right to worry.
As the weeks have rolled on, I have become more aware that life is not as peaceful, not as centered, as it was. I am pleased that my priorities have remained intact, and that my family still comes first. However, at the end of the day, fatigue hits early, and I am saddened that I am not updating Caring Bridge, or working on this new website.
The last week or so I have spent some time thinking alone, praying, and trying to figure out how to bring back that feeling of "rightness" to my life. I miss that feeling, the feeling of a focused soul. It brought me such grounding, and with times still not certain, and healing a slow journey for everyone, that feeling of light helped me maintain the strength to carry on.
Today, a casual texting conversation opened another path for me. A path that I did not know was possible, but one that brings me back to center, and connects me back with my family in blue.
Although excited, I am unsure if this is the path I am meant to take. It bears thought this weekend, and I am grateful that moments of silence and reflection truly make the difference in making decisions. It is amazing what the power of time spent with ones self can accomplish. It is a common recommendation that we should all spend time thinking, alone with our own ideas and worries, and give them out to the universe and ask for help. Each and every time I take a moment to do this, I am given an answer.
It is not always the answer that I expect, or even want. But it is an answer, so obvious in its' message, that it is difficult to deny. I know that part of my struggle lately is that I don't spend enough time asking for that help, and quietly reflecting to myself.
I know that this weekend is meant for some of those moments. I will do my best to make them happen, to make the time for myself, and to realign myself to the path that I should be on. Notice I did not say to put myself on the path - that is purposeful. Because I truly believe that our path is not created by us, but that our path is created for us.
We just don't always pay attention to the path before us.