You just don't know when it will come along... that feeling of intense worry, about things that you know will be fine, but you just can't help the feeling of distress and anxiety.
I have always been honest when I write about how I feel and what I see while we walk through this new life living with our beloved with his brain injury. Today wasn't anything particularly special - another day of work and kid travel to a hockey tournament. Game was fine. Travel was fine - found my kiddo in the pool playing with his teammates.
And then it hit.
That instant resounding anxiety and fear of injury,
I actually began to panic that my kiddo - who can swim just fine - would get hurt in the pool; that he would slip and fall and hit his head. That he would get pushed under and drowned. That he would smash his face against the side rough housing.
The list goes on and on.
The sad part is that I think he could tell. He would start messing around and then look at me and I would shake my head. He wasn't doing anything wrong - it was all me freaking out about something that probably was not going to happen.
Unfortunately I can't control the fear and worry, and I finally had to look down at my phone and let him be - just let him be a nine year old boy.
I haven't had a worry attack like that in a while, but with the extreme sadness with retirement, and the worry about how the future will engage Frank, I clearly am feeling the pressure. I am grateful that everyone is doing well at the moment, and trying to trust that it will be okay in the next.
So much of life is not in our control - we all know that in our hearts, but I think it is so easy to think that if you keep doing what you are doing, that you can control the life that you are living. We never know when life will shift, but you cannot live in fear of the shift.
Today I am reminding myself of the ultimate lesson that we are not in control, and that by giving up our fears, and trusting in the life path that we are on, it will be okay.
Sometimes that is easier said than done.