June 27th, 2012

I am acutely aware of my emotions these days. I think in part because as a family, we have had to endure so many strong emotional swings in the last few months. When living through such intense feelings, the body drains itself of resources, even if you are not doing anything physically demanding. I have had to learn this the hard way, pushing through each day regardless of the stress involved, and frustrated by the fatigue at the end of the day which was only "running errands.".
It is easier to see these emotions with Frank now as well. When he tries to push through the fatigue, he becomes short tempered and irritable. His responses are slower and he is more likely to make mistakes. And mistakes bother him a lot. Brains need rest differently than the body, especially a brain that is badly injured. It will not increase tolerance of activity with pushing it harder. It needs rests and breaks, and that process is still a point of contention for Frank. Rest is not a motivator, and it is difficult for him to see the difference between his fatigued state and his rested state. What is easily noticed by me is not seen by Officer Mackall.
Therapy continues after his neurology visit this week. Focusing hard on balance and agility. Time to bring the Wii back upstairs and to practice and have fun at the same time.
I had another moment of "clarity" this week when I was reminded that I am not in control of this situation. I still worry about the process, financial issues, work, and at times it becomes overwhelming. But the days I sit back and take a deep breath, look inward, and ask myself what I believe, I always get the same answer.
Trust in Me and trust the process. It will all be okay.
I have believed that since the first moments after the accident. I have always felt that he would be okay. I just needed to completely trust in the journey. Sometimes living day to day, writing out yet another check, worrying about how or if to go back to work, I begin to have doubts. Doubt is just fear with a different name. And doubt is a faith killer.
This week I was given a gentle push, a reminder that life will be fine. It was in the form of a generous gift card to remind me to trust that we will make it, and hugs from dear friends that bring my trust to the front of my vision. I am so thankful for the continued reminders that faith is the ultimate guide.

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