July 9th, 2012

Progress is good, right?  I know sometimes people second guess when something changes - buying a car,  dying your hair - and sometimes there is remorse or fear involved in the change, even if it is good.

But scary, so scary.  Control is how people, well, some people, cope with trauma.  I, 100% believe in control in trauma.  It may not be healthy, it may not be the best way to cope, but it is how I cope.  If I control things, then I know what to expect, and what will happen.  Letting go is the OPPOSITE of control.  And I don't like letting go of the control I have held so firmly in place.

There have been changes that I have been able to deal with, mostly because I have felt like I controlled when they were going to happen.  Frank driving again, reducing meds, changing therapy programs, but I do them, I make them happen, so the change occurs because of what I do.  For the most part, Frank goes along with it ( some of the new passiveness that I complain about yet when he pushes back or questions me, which would be normal, I get all worried) and he just let's me direct traffic in our universe.  If I go to the store, he comes along.  If I am outside, he usually comes outside.  We are together most of the time, all day long.  Yes, this is new since the accident.  No, it is not necessarily a good thing.  No, it will not go on forever.  But, it does make me feel in control.

Frank and I will be in completely different places tomorrow.  He will be in Savage at the PD for a few hours, and I will be in New Brighton.  Separate places, separate task, separate lives.

Terrifying.  I am terrified.

It will be out of my control.  The carefully crafted and honed control that I live with these days to survive.  I am well aware that it is irrational to think that he will be by my side every day for the rest of our lives.  The goal is to go back to work for goodness sake!!  But to have the moment here,  even for a few short hours, is heart stopping.  It is ridiculous, irrational, and stupid.  But it is still here.

Trauma brings out interesting traits in people - I myself find that while watching others deal with major, life altering events, I wonder how I would react.

Now I know.  And it has not necessarily been done well.

I have lots of examples of how not to do things, how not to react, and how not to move forward.  I can feel myself going back to "survive on your own" mode.  I did that for so long when we were both working that it became the norm.  Not a good norm, but the norm for us.  The norm I vowed to not go back to.

We have so many people that are still willing to help, even with the smallest issues that may come up.  But it is easier for me to just struggle through them by myself.  I don't know why.  It just is.

Today we had a great group of girls come to the house to help us with some chores.  It was amazing what they got done in an hour - it would have taken me all day to get done what they got done.  We are so grateful for the gifts, the treats, and the help with our projects.  Thank you so much for your help today, it meant a lot to us.

Now if I could only ask for help when we need it.  If I could just get past the fear of being apart tomorrow.  If I could remember that the goal is to move forward, and being afraid of the change is counter-productive.

I am tired of being afraid of the change.

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