Some days you can wake up, energized for the moments that will come each hour. You know what you need to do, what you want to do - there isn't even much planning needed. The day takes care of itself.
On other days, it is a struggle to just get out of bed; to face the person in the mirror; to slog through each minute of each hour.
Today was one of those other days - no reason for it to be that way. It is hard to wake up and feel already exhausted from the day, and the day has been 5 minutes long. On these days, I try to remember that there were many days of much harder times, with more fatigue, and much more sadness. It took 40 minutes to get out of bed, and start to get moving toward the day of training, kids and work. Although the day started, and rolled along with me in it, I wasn't really part of it.
It bothers me to have days that don't feel productive, or forward, or... something. I want to feel like I am doing something productive, important, something worthwhile. When I feel connected to doing things, I feel like I am okay. I feel that things that have been so hard had a purpose for us.
But when I feel like I am not doing what I should be doing, or what I am doing isn't what I see as important, I begin to struggle. I worry that I am not doing enough, not doing things to help, not doing what I can to be there for others.
I spend a lot of time worrying apparently.
I am pretty sure that I am trying to force myself back to my life path. The problem is that when you try to force your way to the path, then you are not really living the path. I found out today that even when I ask for answers, offer out my strength to the universe, and then listen too hard, things become muddle, unclear. It takes time breathing, living through the day, and some quiet time for things to become a little clearer.
I am not patient - that is well documented - and I am grateful that another door opened today when I thought a door closed. I had many messages of hope and support today, some from those that I don't have a lot of contact with. For some reason, they felt the need to reach out today, and I was grateful for the support. Each gave me a breath of patience - the warmth of love - as only friendship can bring.
Life lesson for today - be patient, listen carefully, and don't try to make your own answers.