It is through the internal understanding of yourself that you gain the ability to live through the unlivable. Understanding of the why may never be reached; who can ever understand why things happen that crush our lives, our spirit, and our ability to move and breathe.
I will never understand the “why” of the change in our lives. Facts are facts: Frank crashed. He has a brain injury. Life was changed dramatically for five people in our immediate circle. Life was changed for a police department, friends, and for extended family. For everyone.
So I wrote, and tried to survive the tornado as best as I could. We all survived, but definitely felt the damage. There is always damage.
I have looked at what I have been writing the last few months and I understand why people think “Eh, I think I am done reading this blog.” I am over it too! It is called disconnection.
Writing used to be for me, I just happened to put it out on Caring Bridge so people could stay connected to Frank. But it really was for me, for me to be able to spit out the scary in my head, and maybe sleep at night without spinning myself crazy.
Somewhere along the line I started writing for others, maybe what I thought people wanted to hear? Or wanted to know? I am not sure. But I know that if you are still here reading our story, you probably noticed a difference, and were not real impressed or interested the last few months.
And I am sorry for that.
I kept the blog going to ensure that people could still follow Frank, his recovery, and on some level, how we were doing as a family. I know we are not the only family that struggles to survive after a huge life trauma, and I wanted to be a voice for all of you.
Instead, I feel like a sellout.
SO! That changes today, a good day for change – it is our 13th wedding anniversary. I am going back to the real, and writing for me. For those traveling the journey. For those watching the recovery. But mostly, for me.
For those that left, I thank them for their support. For those still here, thanks for hanging on. And for those that may need me, well, I am still here.
Just better. And back to the real reason I write.