08-25-13

You can dwell on the past and worry about the future, or you can strive for a great future and let go of the past.
My daily plan is to strive for a future, but lately, it has been focused on the present, and just getting to the end of each day seems to be exhausting. This has been a really long journey for our family, and I have had some days lately that have been just plain hard to exist through.
Existing is not living. Just getting to the end of each day, without goals and plans, is no way to live.
I have not had that feeling in so long that I am a little shocked that it seems to be back. I don’t feel unhappy, overly sad, or worried, but I know those feelings exist – being ready for bed at 8:00 every night and being exhausted means that worries are hanging around, whether I want to admit it, or not.
I know that we all worry – worry about money, our jobs, our kids, our life, our spouse – the list is endless. What makes it hard is when the worries that we have feel abnormal, or so completely different from the worries of others. It makes you feel different, and it can feel as if no one can understand the depth of how you are feeling. If you add in a big life event like an injury, divorce, death, or crisis, it can magnify those feelings beyond what you ever thought possible.
And you feel lost, with no one that “get’s it”, and that is not a good place for anyone to be.
I have been in that place. I do not want to visit that place again. However, lately there has been a wind of change coming for me, and I am not sure what it all means. I am very careful to listen to the things and people around me, and to heed changes as they come. I do not fear change, but sometimes I do worry about it. For me, changes in the most recent past have been scary, and have required an immense amount of courage and trust.
And when you are tired, courage and trust are sometimes hard to rally around you.
So I listen to my heart, and trust in the peace around me that can be found by us all. Maybe I am meant to end this writing journey, and return to the anonymity of “before”, and to move on to other things. I am just not sure where I am going, and although none of us knows for sure what our path holds for us, my certainty in the direction seems to be changing.
Not fear based, just a wind of change.
I am doing my best to close my eyes, and listen carefully. That inner peace is always available, to me, and to you.
Listen to it. That voice is always the right one.

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