I came up north today so very tired. I have been worrying and stressing about the future, and that is such a hard place to be. Wishing, wondering, trying to predict the future - none of us know what it holds, so why do we spend time worrying about it?
I typically do not worry about what the future holds - however, in times of change, I find myself worrying more about the future than normal. I try to ignore those worries, and fretting that fills my head, but today, I was not successful. The three hour drive gave me plenty of time to have my mind wander, and unfortunately, it wandered far away.
There are days that I just miss the past - nothing can bring that back, and truly, there are so many parts of the past that I am happy have been made new, but there are things - moments, and looks, and nuances - that I miss, and I worry that they will never return. I know that is part of the grieving process; some time you have to let go of the thing that are gone, but in the case of a head injury, no one knows what or when to mourn.
Instead, you wait, and pray, and see what happens in two years.
Two years is a very long time to wait.
And not just for me. I find that recently, there is a great restlessness in Frank. Therapy, gym, home, doctor and more therapy. Weeks and weeks of the same thing, without the benefit of doing the ONE things that he wants to do (WORK) is wearing on him as well. I think that there are many thing aligning themselves for change together, and I pray that they are for the good. As I leave work to be home with Frank, and Frank stops therapy for a break, it may just be time for a different therapy protocol - the emotional wellness, fun type of therapy.
I hope that by spending time together, working on projects, riding bikes, running, and just having fun, that we will both find some new strength within ourselves, and with each other. I know that it is so hard for others to understand, but both Frank ad I live in such a new reality, one that doesn't fit with what we have known together for the last 14 years. Trying to get that back is probably impossible - we are both just too different now - but can we create new things, memories, and joint ventures to live on?
That is the new plan. We are beginning to put together an outline of our summer plans - already packed with soccer and other activities - and making lots of time to spend just being; and listening; and forging ahead - together.
I do not know any other way to try to move forward. At times it is easy to feel stuck, or even like we are moving backwards, but I hope that the gift of time will be a just that - a gift.