04-20-13

The sun is shining today - it feels like a miracle after the snow, and more snow, and more snow these last few weeks. It is amazing how the weather can impact your life for the good, or in some cases, for the not-so-good. I know that this gift of sunshine, and slightly warmer weather today, has certainly felt like a thawing of the soul to me.
I am feeling the emotional pull of our life situation today. Surprising, since sunshine can usually bring instant happiness to my heart, but today, I realized that I have been living on the emotional fringe again, and when it breaks through to my heart, it hurts. It is an easy place to live, this outer circle of emotion. By living on the outside - not feeling too happy, too low, or too much - each day can be lived with limited harm. Yes, there is also limited emotion - limited joy, delight, darkness, lightness - but it keeps things moving.
And life is all about keeping moving through each day, right?
Of course not. That was my before life. That was the life before Frank's accident. Living life with the goal of getting to the end of each day, rushing, living on the outer circle, and waking up the next day to start again, is not okay. I said it before, yet I find myself today almost back where I started. Very busy, schedules packed each day, overextended each day, and living on the outer circle of emotion.
You know how I know?
I had four things on top of one another today; impossible to get to all of them, and not sure why I was thinking that I could do them all. But the most glaring example came when I did sit down for a few minutes, on the couch with AJ, to watch a few minutes of Glee that I had taped a few days ago. Within minutes, for whatever reason, I could feel the emotion of sadness pulling at me, harder than I have felt in a long time. In tears, taking deep breaths to suck it back in (I am an expert at tear sucking back) I tried to figure out why simple moments of a TV show were making me so emotional.
As I sat there, I realized that there is again too much going on, and to compensate, I float through days not sitting back and feeling things. Not the good or the bad. I just do. Even though I had promised to engage each day, to live each day, to feel each day - I am not.
And realizing that made me even sadder.
I am not perfect, far from it. I just try to move forward, living with the focus on my family, to know that I have given to them what I feel important. And that is my time.
Time together. Time laughing. Time playing. Time.
And I have no more time on my schedule again.
Bad habits are hard to break.
So, amid the wonderful of life that I know is there, and that I witnessed today with a visit from my Chief and his amazing wife, I am again regrouping, and making a change. I will be leaving my job again to focus back on what cannot bend, or be flexible, or be given less time - my family.
Although it feels like quitting (again) I have been assured by those around me that it is not quitting, it is living. It is giving the life that we have the utmost attention. It is focusing on the only path that matters, and that is the path that we are living on together since that day last January when life changed forever.
Apparently, you can teach an old dog new tricks, but sometimes, you have to remind them of the consequences of returning to old habits. Being sick for two weeks, having a child tell me I am never home, feeling detached from Frank's progress and focus, and losing track of my own schedule are not good indicators of a purposeful life.
It sounds like the old life, creeping back in and trying to take over.
It is time to take life back once again, refocus, revisit the goals, and renew my faith in my family and the process.
Someone once said that sometimes you have to take a step back and breathe, and the rest will take care of itself.
I am going back to breathing.

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