Apparently I still have trust issues. I am aware that I have them, I even try to deny them, work on them, and sometimes I will even admit that they are there. Trust for me is general given freely until I have a reason to take it away.
But lately I have had a different kind of trust issue. And that is trusting in myself, my path and my life.
Yesterday I felt completely uncertain. Frank's testing day was hard on both of us, and I know as we talked about it again today, it is hard to just let it be and TRUST that it will be okay; TRUST that what happens is what is supposed to happen; TRUST that we are where we are supposed to be, and doing what we should be doing.
I have found that my Type A personality is very good at causing me a great deal of stress when I try to control things - shocking right? Yesterday I felt completely out of control, and it made me an anxious mess that carried in to today.
Last night I tried to do what I always do when these days hit - I take the advice of my dear friend Jill and I pray. Not a casual praying, but an honest to goodness eyes closed, head bowed, hands clasped, clearing of the mind prayer. I admitted I was scared, worried, and unsure. I asked for help, I asked for peace, and I asked for comfort. I told Him of my worries about my path, my uncertainties of where I am going, and what I am spending my time doing. I wondered allowed about moving to something new and foregoing my current path. And admitted I just didn't know what to do anymore.
I did it again this morning.
I had some very nice phone conversations today with some new people, and then I got to spend some time with Frank picking up my Christmas present that finally came in. At home, we made dinner together as the boys played together quietly in the other room (a miracle in itself).
My phone rang, and I promptly received a message answering my prayers more than anything else could. I booked five speaking engagements tonight with one phone call.
Does a message get any clearer than that??? I don't think so.
The really funny thing is that this has happened over and over since Frank got hurt, and I keep asking myself why I doubt what I am doing, where I am going, and if I am on the right path.
As so many of you told me yesterday - I am on the right path, I am right where I am supposed to be, I am doing what I should be doing. I wonder when I will finally just bow down and accept my place and realize that my life and my path are not in my own hands.
So easy to say, so easy to tell someone to do, not so easy when you are a control freak like me. But apparently someone listens to me anyway, with all of my fear, and doubt, and answered my questions of why, and how, and when.
And for that I am very grateful.